Masters of Disguise

Yesterday, I decided it was time to take out my nose ring. I have had it less than a year but, for some reason, I found this difficult...the only reason I am writing about it now. As I was vacillating about taking out this tiny piece of jewelry, I began to wonder why it was even that important. What was the real reason I had become so attached to it?

As I thought back to the reasons I got it, I was somewhat disappointed in myself. They were reasons I didn't really care to acknowledge at the time, I guess. I wanted to be rebellious for once in my life. I wanted to fit in with the "hip" new styles but at the same time I wanted to be different... at least different than I was. I wanted to feel daring and exciting! And even deeper than all that, I thought it would make me feel pretty (although some would argue that putting holes in your face are far from pretty). And I thought it would distract from things I wanted to hide.
None of these reasons are wrong in and of themselves, I don't think. It's human to want. But it's where we get caught up that becomes the problem. It's how much power we give these wants that get us into trouble. I guess I shouldn't say I was really disappointed. Rather, I was made suddenly aware that my reasons were less than perfect.

I am not saying that a little nose ring is a horrible thing but it got me to thinking about all the other little things that I have become attached to, things I deem as necessity. And more importantly, what am I trying to hide with those things? What are my motives? It was all a cover up, a sham, a disguise! Who'd have thought a nose ring would hold so much intrigue? And I found that when it was gone, I felt exposed somehow and like there was a gaping hole in the facade I had created. All because of a ring. Or rather, all because of what I thought it represented.
What I have decided is that we are all Masters of Disguise, my friends! We are all trying to cover up flaws, remain unexposed and invulnerable. We are all wanting to feel exciting and beautiful, empowered, bold and intriguing. We are all hiding imperfections.
Let me also just say that I hate the saying, " Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." What does it matter that someone else thinks you are beautiful if you don't believe it yourself? It has been the hardest thing in the world for me to accept the truth that I am beautiful simply because I was created by beauty Himself. I am a work in progress, I suppose, but aren't we all?

"Withdraw into yourself and look. And if you do not fine yourself beautiful yet, act as does the creator of a statue that is to be made beautiful: he cuts away here, he smoothes there, he makes this line lighter, this other purer, until a lovely face has grown his work. So do you also: cut away all that is excessive, straighten all that is crooked, bring light to all that is overcast, labor to make all one glow or beauty and never cease chiseling your statue, until there shall shine out on you from it the godlike splendor of virtue, until you see the perfect goodness surely established in the stainless shrine."
Plotinus

Memory Foam!

It's amazing to me how easy it is and how quickly I get caught up in this life around me. What I mean is that it is so easy to forget these encounters with God and one day you wake up and you are right back into the old routine of things. Even though that has happened so many times, I feel like this time is different.
The past few weeks, I have been on a spiritual high, a grace overload, really just being overwhelmed by God's goodness and love and faithfulness. He was on my mind every moment of the day and it was beautiful. But here come the days when it gets harder to "check in" with Him. These are the times when my life becomes more important.
However, I can't help but think of memory foam. You know, that bed that when you push on it, it doesn't spring back up? It forms to your body. "If, in your sleep, you roll over from one side to the other the foam will remold to your new body position. " (Got that from the website to prove my point.) As I go through life and this process of application, I am reminded and certain that these encounters with God are never forgotten. The places I have been, the graces I have received, the love I have felt - those experiences are branded on my heart and mind. I may "toss and turn" and move "side to side" but He molds to my "new position." God remembers even when I don't. And I believe it is on our nature to long for Him, yearn for Him. That's how we were created.
So, all these times when I forget Him or get caught up in other things, a part of me still remembers what it was like to feel God and a part of me longs for that, for Him! I think that is a gift, a blessing, a choice we all receive. It's what causes us to seek, to reevaluate, to change, to strive more and push harder. Because we remember! Our hearts are like memory foam, get it!?
When I began this process of discernment, it was really really hard. It IS really hard. But when I talk to other women who are also discerning and see the challenges they face while in this process, I realize I am completely blessed. Most of my friends and family have been nothing but supportive, even if they don't understand. It's the hardest thing in the world to tell the people you love that you are going to do something that is so misunderstood. But when I look back on the past 3-4 yrs (that's how long this has been in my heart), I see that the hardest part in this whole thing was my refusal! I fought so hard because I didn't want to give up my stuff, my free time, my ideas of family, my life! How silly. Stuff is stuff. My ideas of family have changed and I am, by no means, losing my life. I stand to gain everything!
Now, I said that, even though I am settling back in to my routine and it's getting harder to remain aware of God's presence, I felt this time was different. Let me explain, tie this all together. My heart is at peace right now for the first time in a long time. I have fought this and refused it and made myself miserable. As soon as I was able to allow God to work and allowed myself to respond, I was at peace. It is a hard thing, yes, to be misunderstood and to do the uncommon thing. I know some people are waiting for me to change my mind, realize this isn't what I really want. But my heart is like memory foam! I remember at different times in my life how it has felt to love God and be loved by Him. I remember how it felt and still feels to be pursued by Him. I remember how my heart has always longed for Him more than anything else, even when my mind has forgotten. And I certainly can't forget how at rest I feel in this decision. So, as I look down the road, I see challenges and hard times but I also envision joy and peace. I will be the first to say that I am not 100 % certain where I will end up but who is? I am certain at this moment, though, that I am moving in the right direction even though that's sometimes easy to forget.