Reservation for one?

Several days ago, I had a dream that I was interviewing with the Franciscan Sisters of Christian Charity. My interview was interrupted and placed on hold indefinitely. As I waited to complete this interview, I saw several other applicants being accepted left and right. I didn't know what was going on, why I wasn't invited. That seemed to be the theme of this dream. Invitation. And I wasn't getting one. No one seemed to have a good reason, just that I didn't fit. I was inadequate somehow. And so I waited. And waited... racking my brain and desperately trying to figure out the anomaly of my person. Then I woke up.
A week ago, I received my official transcripts from the University of Arkansas. They just so happened to be the last piece of my application to enter into postulancy with the sisters. I panicked. I had flown through the rest of the application, not giving myself time to overthink things as I usually do. One may wonder if I went to fast, didn't put enough thought into this process, didn't think about it at all. But let me assure you, I have done nothing...literally nothing... but think and think some more about the whys and hows of this whole thing. And so there I was, holding the last fragment of a puzzle I have been trying to put together for what seems like forever. And I faltered. I wasn't sure, all of a sudden, if I was crazy and if I really wanted to do this. I was having reservations. But there's no sense in leaving a job half done. I sent it in. And waited.
One day ago, I was accepted into postulancy with the Franciscan Sisters of Christian Charity. I am overwhelmed. I am excited and speechless! Jesus wants me! He has pursued me and continues to do so. He desires my heart. And I am at peace. I have received my invitation. And I will take it. Once again, I am not sure where this leads. I know that I will have other moments of pause and reservation. I will fight with my insecurities and my wants. But, yes, I will go. I am honored to accept His Invitation...

Reservation for two, please.

unsure

I run to the edge of the world. I leap, pushing outwards
with all of my strength. Hurling over the edge, I am flying.
Arms outstretched. Reaching.
Falling into nowhere. Into everywhere. The wind pounds my face,
kneading my skin with it's fingers. Soaking into my skin, my soul.
Brutal but not unbearable.
Debrii from the edge has broken away.
It sprinkles, cracks and chips my already tender resolve.
I am still falling. waiting. expecting. hoping.
Seemingly suspended here but moving just the same.
There is silence here.
Only me at the edge of the world. Only the wind in my ears, whistling at me.
Inviting me. It holds me up. I love the wind.
I love its freedom. It's voice. It moves me.
Falling, I wait




I am returning to this entry because I feel like I should explain my thoughts on it a little better. I have always loved the wind. I feel like God loves me through it and reminds me of Himself, whether it's a strong wind or a gentle breeze. This entry was a moment when I felt like I was just going crazy in this discernment process. Inwardly, I was being pulled in all directions. Should I or shouldn't I? What's gonna happen? Did I make the right choice? For a time, I felt like I was falling into something crazy. In all of it, God was the wind. Nudging me forward, pulling me towards Him, eroding all of my excuses and just carrying me. Gently, and sometimes not so much, He brought me to where I needed to be.