Introductions

Here, at the end of my first week of postulancy, the four of us postulants made it up to the 3rd and 4th floor of the convent(St Rita's), the infirmary floors. I was not that excited about going, for as much as I am eager to meet all of the sisters, I can't shake my hesitance around illness and hospital-like settings.
I was wrong. I think I may have commented on this in an earlier blog but I have been asking to really just see the elderly with dignity and respect. After just a few minutes there with them, it was so easy! They are beautiful! They are vibrant and full of stories and welcome and laughter. And so eager to meet us. They have already been praying for us as postulants, choosing to take part in our new lives long before we were introduced into theirs. I am being inrtoduced into a new way of thinking.
As much as I am going to be stretched in the upcoming days and months, I am eager to see what else God has in store for me. It's going to be beautiful.

Hope for me yet...:)

St Therese is amazing and gives me such encouragement and hope! She totally speaks to my heart today. I am thanking God for the wisdom and inspiration of the saints!

" I have always wanted to become a saint. Unfortunately when I have compared myself with the saints, I have always found that there is the same difference between the saints and me as there is between a mountain whose summit is lost in the clouds and a humble grain of sand trodden underfoot by passers-by. Instead of being discouraged, I told myself: God would not make me wish for something impossible and so, in spite of my littleness, I can aim at being a saint. It is impossible for me to grow bigger, so I put up with myself as I am, with all my countless faults. But I will look for some means of going to heaven by a little way which is very short and very straight, a little way that is quite new.

" We live in an age of inventions. We need no longer climb laboriously up flights of stairs; in well-to-do houses there are lifts. And I was determined to find a lift to carry me to Jesus, for I was far too small to climb the steep stairs of perfection. So I sought in holy Scripture some idea of what this life I wanted would be, and I read these words: "Whosoever is a little one, come to me." It is your arms, Jesus, that are the lift to carry me to heaven. And so there is no need for me to grow up: I must stay little and become less and less." -- Therese of Lisieux

Hearts WERE meant to break!

I have always been afraid of tradgedy. Hidden from it, even. I have never been a risk taker. I never wanted to be friends with or married to someone in the military.:) I have been intimidated by elderly people and I really hate hospitals. I don't think I am much different than many people. We condition ourselves to seek the happy, the easy. We don't like to be faced with sadness, death, illness,the depressed, heartbreak... I looked up sayings about broken hearts. This is how we operate:
"Don't Cry Over Someone That Won't Cry Over You."
"Forget who hurt you yesterday."
"skinned knees are easier to fix then broken hearts."
"If someone you love breaks your heart, cry a river,build a bridge,and get over it.
"How can I love again when I can't stop loving the one that hurt me so much?"

Days ago, a dear friend suffered a heartbreaking tradgedy. This person is someone who has been so special to me for several years now. She has taught me faithfulness, honesty, strength, dignity, trust, everything it is to be a daughter of God. She has been my confidante and more of a sister than a mere friend. I have often pondered the connection we have, especially considering our timid beginnings, and have never fully been able to grasp the goodness of God in placing her in my life.
So, when she called me to tell me her news, I not only felt sad for her but grieved with her. I am still. I seem to be feeling many of the same emotions that I felt when my mom passed away. Confusion,heartbreak, dismay, and some anger. Instead of feeling like I am watching her go through this, I am right in the middle of it with her. And I can't understand why her? Someone who has been such an inspiration to me and deserves all the best life has to offer? And then I think that she is the perfect person. She is strong enough to weather this, brave enough to trust in God's plan, unfailing in her love of God. She is exactly who He would choose, of course.
In all of this, I am realizing that hearts ARE meant to break. As much as we like to think that we are strong and independant, we are built fragile. I think we are made to experience weakness and it is a good thing, a beautiful and holy thing! There is HOPE in weakness, beauty in the broken! We are closest to Christ when we are weak, humiliated, down to our last defense, broken. This is when He can truly reveal Himself to us. This is when He really gets to show us just how much He loves us, how strong He is, how much we really NEED Him, how faithful He is, and how patient!
None of this is new about God. He shows us His love in a million ways but what better time could there be than when you have nothing left and are in need of comfort, support, and love?

Just thinking...

Today, (now a few Sundays ago...) I sat in the the last pew in the back corner of the Church. I didn't feel like sitting in front where I usually sit. As I sat in that last pew, I started noticing all the stuff that goes on back there. People came and went as they pleased. Parents held full on conversations with their screaming children, played games with them, ate food with them. A grown man was reading and flipping through the pages of his misslet during the Consecration as though he would rather be anywhere else. A woman decided to clean out her purse. Teenagers wandered in late, clad in ripped up shorts and hole ridden t-shirts....
And as I let myself ponder all the goings on, my thoughts came to a screeching halt. What was I doing!? As I sat around judging everyone else, I realized I was just as distracted as they were! And I had purposely placed myself there! Here, at the front of the church, a literal miracle is happening and I am as far away as I could get, thinking about WHATEVER!
And then I got to thinking how many times I place myself in these situations where I get distracted from what God is really doing. No one made me sit at the back where I couldn't see or hear or concentrate. I made that choice to place myself where I couldn't see Him or listen to what He was saying. It gives me some perspective as I go off to work or to hang out with friends and am just at home. What are my distractions and how can I better place myself closer to the "front" where I can really listen and see? Hmmmm...just a thought....

Reservation for one?

Several days ago, I had a dream that I was interviewing with the Franciscan Sisters of Christian Charity. My interview was interrupted and placed on hold indefinitely. As I waited to complete this interview, I saw several other applicants being accepted left and right. I didn't know what was going on, why I wasn't invited. That seemed to be the theme of this dream. Invitation. And I wasn't getting one. No one seemed to have a good reason, just that I didn't fit. I was inadequate somehow. And so I waited. And waited... racking my brain and desperately trying to figure out the anomaly of my person. Then I woke up.
A week ago, I received my official transcripts from the University of Arkansas. They just so happened to be the last piece of my application to enter into postulancy with the sisters. I panicked. I had flown through the rest of the application, not giving myself time to overthink things as I usually do. One may wonder if I went to fast, didn't put enough thought into this process, didn't think about it at all. But let me assure you, I have done nothing...literally nothing... but think and think some more about the whys and hows of this whole thing. And so there I was, holding the last fragment of a puzzle I have been trying to put together for what seems like forever. And I faltered. I wasn't sure, all of a sudden, if I was crazy and if I really wanted to do this. I was having reservations. But there's no sense in leaving a job half done. I sent it in. And waited.
One day ago, I was accepted into postulancy with the Franciscan Sisters of Christian Charity. I am overwhelmed. I am excited and speechless! Jesus wants me! He has pursued me and continues to do so. He desires my heart. And I am at peace. I have received my invitation. And I will take it. Once again, I am not sure where this leads. I know that I will have other moments of pause and reservation. I will fight with my insecurities and my wants. But, yes, I will go. I am honored to accept His Invitation...

Reservation for two, please.

unsure

I run to the edge of the world. I leap, pushing outwards
with all of my strength. Hurling over the edge, I am flying.
Arms outstretched. Reaching.
Falling into nowhere. Into everywhere. The wind pounds my face,
kneading my skin with it's fingers. Soaking into my skin, my soul.
Brutal but not unbearable.
Debrii from the edge has broken away.
It sprinkles, cracks and chips my already tender resolve.
I am still falling. waiting. expecting. hoping.
Seemingly suspended here but moving just the same.
There is silence here.
Only me at the edge of the world. Only the wind in my ears, whistling at me.
Inviting me. It holds me up. I love the wind.
I love its freedom. It's voice. It moves me.
Falling, I wait




I am returning to this entry because I feel like I should explain my thoughts on it a little better. I have always loved the wind. I feel like God loves me through it and reminds me of Himself, whether it's a strong wind or a gentle breeze. This entry was a moment when I felt like I was just going crazy in this discernment process. Inwardly, I was being pulled in all directions. Should I or shouldn't I? What's gonna happen? Did I make the right choice? For a time, I felt like I was falling into something crazy. In all of it, God was the wind. Nudging me forward, pulling me towards Him, eroding all of my excuses and just carrying me. Gently, and sometimes not so much, He brought me to where I needed to be.

Masters of Disguise

Yesterday, I decided it was time to take out my nose ring. I have had it less than a year but, for some reason, I found this difficult...the only reason I am writing about it now. As I was vacillating about taking out this tiny piece of jewelry, I began to wonder why it was even that important. What was the real reason I had become so attached to it?

As I thought back to the reasons I got it, I was somewhat disappointed in myself. They were reasons I didn't really care to acknowledge at the time, I guess. I wanted to be rebellious for once in my life. I wanted to fit in with the "hip" new styles but at the same time I wanted to be different... at least different than I was. I wanted to feel daring and exciting! And even deeper than all that, I thought it would make me feel pretty (although some would argue that putting holes in your face are far from pretty). And I thought it would distract from things I wanted to hide.
None of these reasons are wrong in and of themselves, I don't think. It's human to want. But it's where we get caught up that becomes the problem. It's how much power we give these wants that get us into trouble. I guess I shouldn't say I was really disappointed. Rather, I was made suddenly aware that my reasons were less than perfect.

I am not saying that a little nose ring is a horrible thing but it got me to thinking about all the other little things that I have become attached to, things I deem as necessity. And more importantly, what am I trying to hide with those things? What are my motives? It was all a cover up, a sham, a disguise! Who'd have thought a nose ring would hold so much intrigue? And I found that when it was gone, I felt exposed somehow and like there was a gaping hole in the facade I had created. All because of a ring. Or rather, all because of what I thought it represented.
What I have decided is that we are all Masters of Disguise, my friends! We are all trying to cover up flaws, remain unexposed and invulnerable. We are all wanting to feel exciting and beautiful, empowered, bold and intriguing. We are all hiding imperfections.
Let me also just say that I hate the saying, " Beauty is in the eye of the beholder." What does it matter that someone else thinks you are beautiful if you don't believe it yourself? It has been the hardest thing in the world for me to accept the truth that I am beautiful simply because I was created by beauty Himself. I am a work in progress, I suppose, but aren't we all?

"Withdraw into yourself and look. And if you do not fine yourself beautiful yet, act as does the creator of a statue that is to be made beautiful: he cuts away here, he smoothes there, he makes this line lighter, this other purer, until a lovely face has grown his work. So do you also: cut away all that is excessive, straighten all that is crooked, bring light to all that is overcast, labor to make all one glow or beauty and never cease chiseling your statue, until there shall shine out on you from it the godlike splendor of virtue, until you see the perfect goodness surely established in the stainless shrine."
Plotinus

Memory Foam!

It's amazing to me how easy it is and how quickly I get caught up in this life around me. What I mean is that it is so easy to forget these encounters with God and one day you wake up and you are right back into the old routine of things. Even though that has happened so many times, I feel like this time is different.
The past few weeks, I have been on a spiritual high, a grace overload, really just being overwhelmed by God's goodness and love and faithfulness. He was on my mind every moment of the day and it was beautiful. But here come the days when it gets harder to "check in" with Him. These are the times when my life becomes more important.
However, I can't help but think of memory foam. You know, that bed that when you push on it, it doesn't spring back up? It forms to your body. "If, in your sleep, you roll over from one side to the other the foam will remold to your new body position. " (Got that from the website to prove my point.) As I go through life and this process of application, I am reminded and certain that these encounters with God are never forgotten. The places I have been, the graces I have received, the love I have felt - those experiences are branded on my heart and mind. I may "toss and turn" and move "side to side" but He molds to my "new position." God remembers even when I don't. And I believe it is on our nature to long for Him, yearn for Him. That's how we were created.
So, all these times when I forget Him or get caught up in other things, a part of me still remembers what it was like to feel God and a part of me longs for that, for Him! I think that is a gift, a blessing, a choice we all receive. It's what causes us to seek, to reevaluate, to change, to strive more and push harder. Because we remember! Our hearts are like memory foam, get it!?
When I began this process of discernment, it was really really hard. It IS really hard. But when I talk to other women who are also discerning and see the challenges they face while in this process, I realize I am completely blessed. Most of my friends and family have been nothing but supportive, even if they don't understand. It's the hardest thing in the world to tell the people you love that you are going to do something that is so misunderstood. But when I look back on the past 3-4 yrs (that's how long this has been in my heart), I see that the hardest part in this whole thing was my refusal! I fought so hard because I didn't want to give up my stuff, my free time, my ideas of family, my life! How silly. Stuff is stuff. My ideas of family have changed and I am, by no means, losing my life. I stand to gain everything!
Now, I said that, even though I am settling back in to my routine and it's getting harder to remain aware of God's presence, I felt this time was different. Let me explain, tie this all together. My heart is at peace right now for the first time in a long time. I have fought this and refused it and made myself miserable. As soon as I was able to allow God to work and allowed myself to respond, I was at peace. It is a hard thing, yes, to be misunderstood and to do the uncommon thing. I know some people are waiting for me to change my mind, realize this isn't what I really want. But my heart is like memory foam! I remember at different times in my life how it has felt to love God and be loved by Him. I remember how it felt and still feels to be pursued by Him. I remember how my heart has always longed for Him more than anything else, even when my mind has forgotten. And I certainly can't forget how at rest I feel in this decision. So, as I look down the road, I see challenges and hard times but I also envision joy and peace. I will be the first to say that I am not 100 % certain where I will end up but who is? I am certain at this moment, though, that I am moving in the right direction even though that's sometimes easy to forget.

"I will give you a new heart"

This year's Lenten season is proving to be most fruitful, I think. And on the heels of my blog about dying to self, I think it is most appropriate to talk about His promise to give us new hearts. (" I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26 ) What a beautiful, wonderful and faithful God He is!!
The last retreat I went on with the Franciscan Sisters (Valentines weekend), I found myself in a fit of nerves (it was my interview weekend). I have always been an anxious person, worried about things I didn't know or have complete confidence in, new things. So, my prayer that weekend was that God would still my thoughts and nerves, that He would just give me peace and silence. I didn't get it. Not then, anyway. I was a bundle of nerves until I left and was convicted immediately after that I had not trusted Him with the result of things. One thing I have been learning is that anxiety is not of God. He has EVERYTHING in hand and under control. These ramblings will make sense if you can bear with me enough to get thru them. :)
Okay, so I get home from retreat and I am sad to leave and missing all of the Sisters and feeling sorry for myself. I was feeling very alone in my vocation ( which, of course, is silly) and that I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. How easy it is to get invited to pity parties! Don't ever go to one! They're nowhere near as fun as a real party! :)
Anyway, that lasted for about a week when I realized that I was NOT lonely after all! God was simply granting my request for silence and solitude! This was now a couple of days into Lent and I had started this blog (which has been an amazing source for reflection) and had also started praying the Liturgy of the Hours everyday as well (I am falling in love with this type of prayer, strangely enough. It has made me feel so connected with the Sisters and others who pray it because I think of them all and pray for them every time I say it. It has been such a huge comfort! What a gift!!). So, anyway, I start realizing that all this time I had to myself was actually another gift! An opportunity to dive in to time with Jesus and not be distracted. And it has been BEAUTIFUL!! I kept feeling this invitation to join Him in the silence of the desert, picturing myself there with Him, feeling the vast emptiness there but not feeling alone for I was there with Him, just talking and being. Seriously, HE IS SO FAITHFUL!!! It's overwhelming sometimes!!
So now, the point of this particular blog. :) The last few blogs have mentioned feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty, and death to self. All those can be wrapped up in this promise for a new heart. I have seen over the past few weeks, months, years, that God is transforming my heart bit by bit! He is taking what is old and unsure, broken, tarnished, inadequate, you name it! He is taking all of that into account and, slowly but surely, making it into what He wants it to be. I worry sometimes about being good enough and desperately wanting to be holy. Here, I refer to 1 Thessalonians 5:23. "May GOD make you perfect in HIS HOLINESS...!" I CANNOT MAKE ME PERFECT!! Only God can do that. It has been yet another comfort to let go of what I think are imperfections in the realization that God can and will use those and make of them what He wants. He's got a ton of work, but hey, I will let Him worry about it. :)
Morbid though it may seem, I imagine myself as a heart patient. My heart is not completely up to the task, needs mending. I am learning to die (to self, of course) and in the meantime, I am waiting. I am waiting for God to give me a new heart. And He will! "A pure heart create for me, O God, put a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51

Brink of Joy!

I am a wanderer. I love to travel, explore, and experience new things. I have often wondered if it was because my family moved around a lot, because I got "the fever" while in Girl Scouts where we made a huge trip every year, or if it was just "built in." For years, my friends and family have wondered what I was doing next, where I was going, what my plans were, and when I was going to settle down. I have been saddened and angry at times that people were so overly concerned that I had such a wandering heart and mind. I never thought I was doing too much or showing to little stability. I just wanted to experience things! Overall, I have been content to let people think I was ungrounded.
In retrospect, there was much more to it. I have been searching. All this time, I have been seeking out God and what He had in store for me. Much of the time, I was even unaware that I was looking for something in particular. In college, I left because I was unsatisfied with the path I had chosen. I moved to Iowa, went to school there and only stayed 2 years because I still hadn't found "it." After I graduated college, I went on NET, desperate to be in touch with my faith and living it out. I moved to Hawaii to do more youth ministry because that was also an opportunity to experience Christ, be closer to Him, practice my faith, be an example. When I came back from Hawaii, I was not sure what I was supposed to be doing (at that point, a vocation to religious life was strongly on my mind and in my heart). As much as it may have seemed to the people around me that I was aimless and undecided, I wandered with purpose! I have been on a mission, friends! It has been a massive scavenger hunt, so to speak! At every location, I have been picking up clues and tools to make the next move. I have become wiser and more aware of what I was looking for (and what I was not) with every new experience.
I touch on all of this because it brings me to the present. And just maybe it will help some understand this choice I have made. I think it's safe to say that many of us will go part of life, if not all, without really discovering what it is that makes us truly joyous. Most of us are satisfied with life and even happy. We get good jobs, we have families and friends and kids. And all of these things are wonderful and beautiful! And for many, this is what completes us, these things. I am a firm believer that God has a definite plan for each of us, a plan that will bring us to the most joy possible here on earth, joy that is found when we become who He created us to be!
There is a difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is based on circumstances or good fortune. Joy comes from deep within. It is based on emotional well-being. It overwhelms. " Happiness may warm us, but it is joy that creates the fierce heat of emotion that takes our breath away." I have heard it said the opposite of joy is fear. If you are fearful, there can not be true joy. Similarly, there is no fear in love! Love and joy are closely linked.
I say all of this, friends, because I feel that I am on the brink of joy! I feel as though God is pursuing my heart, leading me so boldly and asking me to give my life to Him completely. It is hard. I am afraid. I am unsure. But, if this is, in fact, what He is asking of me, I would be a fool to refuse. I would be missing out on the greatest of loves and, therefore, true joy! And I want to be overwhelmed with love and joy and truth and all things beautiful, things only HE can give!!
I could be wrong. This could not be my vocation. But if I seek Him, He will not deny me not matter where I end up. If we seek Him in all things, joy awaits! I believe this. And I believe that He has waited a long time to give this to me.

Diets, Denial and the death of selfish wants...

I lost 6 pounds today! I started a weight loss challenge on January 17th, 2010. So far so good!! This is the first time I have ever been motivated to make changes in my diet and eating habits. As I am on this new weight loss journey, I have noticed that it parallels quite nicely with what I am learning this Lenten season.
First of all, I am NOT on a diet. A diet implies temporary. I am giving an honest attempt at a lifestyle change as far as eating goes. I started this because I was concerned about my health. I had been feeling sluggish and, well, not up to par lately and thought I might be able to gain some sense of renewal if I lost some weight.
As I shed the pounds, I notice small but rewarding changes with every little bit! I can't help but compare this experience with Lent. I feel as though they go hand in hand! Lent is a time to step back and cultivate the spiritual discipline of making personal sacrifices, reminding us of the importance of spiritual truths over earthly goods. It's a good time to think about the blessings we have and about the frivolous things we tend to hold onto, a time to give up something we enjoy as a reminder of the true meaning of Jesus’ sacrifice. Lent is a also season of soul-searching, reflection and taking stock.
Backing up slightly, here are some truths about dieting. First of all, they don't work. Secondly, they can lead to binge eating or falling back into old habits worse than before. A diet is about the temporary fix, whether we think so or not. On many diets, you are not eating the way you will eat for the rest of your life. You eat foods you may not like very much and don't find satisfying. They are the quickest way to a certain result but cannot be maintained. Among other things, diets can make you feel tired, break down confidence and self-esteem (when a diet fails, you feel like the failure-not the diet), and put your life on hold.
I think my main point here is that this is all temporary! We constantly strive for things that are unsatisfying and unhealthy, sometimes without realizing it! We are not meant to live this way. During Lent, we are called to practice discipline, look at life choices, dispense with the unnecessary, and reflect on growing in love appreciation for our Lord and His sacrifice. We are challenged to give up those things that would come between us and God and to incorporate more healthy elements into our 'spiritual diet." If we slowly add these things into our life, we are more easily able to maintain them! We are called to make a LIFE STYLE change!!
In reflecting on the 10th Station of the Cross (Jesus is stripped), I am convicted that this is a direct call for each of us to also be stripped. Jesus was humiliated in front of crowds of people. Out of love, He was the perfect example of dying to self. He calls us to be bared before Him, bringing all of our insecurities, imperfections, disappointments, embarrassments, joys, EVERYTHING! Surrender it all back to Him.
Let us not confuse surrender with weakness! It takes the greatest strength to give up what you love, what you are attached to. It takes discipline and commitment to let go! But all of this is good for you! It's HEALTHY! Lent is a time of self-denial. Denial has a negative connotation but it is through denial and death to self that we leave room for growth and something new and positive to enter in. We give ourselves room for more substantial and satisfying things and leave room for God to work. And as with weight loss, every little bit that we lose or give up becomes more of a reward and feels so much better! Every little bit we are able to give up or get rid of is motivation to continue on the path towards self discovery and understanding of what God has in store for us!

1 Thessalonians 5:23

I am lonely in my musings these days. A huge well of thoughts is springing up in my brain. I have so much I want to write about! I think it comes with the freedom of knowing I don't expect anyone to read this and I am just writing it for myself.
I read the other day 1 Thessalonians 5:23. " May the God who brings you peace make you holy in every way. ..."
When I first started discerning this vocation, or even thinking about it at all, I completely discredited myself because of lack of holiness. I say to myself, " I could never do that. I am not holy or even a great person, necessarily. How could God want me for that!? It would take a lot of work for Him to transform me!"
I am being reminded every day now that God created me. He loves me. He knows exactly who I am and has no false illusions of me. And He is the one calling me. Thus, why would I need to change everything about myself in order to do what He asks? When I seek transformation, it should not be of my personality but of my mind and heart. It should be a renewing of my love and dedication to Him and only Him. He has made me and, therefore, He will continue to make me as HE wants. ONLY HE CAN MAKE ME HOLY! I do not have the power to make me holy or perfect. So, I will leave the job to Him.
I read from some wisdom of the saints that "the want to want God" is enough for Him. He can use that. He can make of your desire anything He wishes. And I really do desire Him. Whether I end up married or as a religious, I want Him. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with how much I "want to want" Him. And then I am overwhelmed with how inadequate that seems.
"Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail,but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. " Psalm 73:25-26

Beginnings

I am not really sure how to start a blog. I think, as I begin this, I must consider why I am writing one and who I want to read it. As to who I think will read it, no one at this point. And that's okay. I am mostly writing for myself. It's a journal of sorts, yes?
I think it must be that the first time you write in a blog is the hardest. I mean , where do you even start?! I guess that brings me back to the reason I am writing. I have thoughts. That's why! :) I am discovering myself right now and learning what it is that God has in store for me. In my life, that is profound!
I have realized that as I am going through these new changes and discoveries, I want the important people in my life to understand me and to experience this with me. I want to share all that I am learning and hearing and feeling with friends and family. And depending on where these people are in their lives, they may or may not want to join in. And that is okay because, in the meantime, I am writing it here.
This blog comes from a recent discovery that I may have a vocation to the religious life. Yes, it means I am thinking of becoming a nun, for all you who need to double check! When I think back, I am aware that I have always wanted to please God. I have always wanted to do what HE wanted for me. And as easy as it is to just "fit in," I have always, in my heart of hearts, desired Him.
I know my friends would say I am a good person in general but I am fairly certain they have not really known the depth of my desire for Christ. Granted, it has grown much in these past few years. It saddens me that I may not have been an example of what I truly believe and think and feel. It means I have not spoken aloud who I really am inside. So when I tell people that I am discerning a vocation and they are surprised or doubtful, does it mean I have failed somewhere? Possibly. But I think this may be okay. I am just a normal person who has tried, like everyone else, to fit in and be with the crowd. I have struggled, like everyone else, to be real and honest. At the end of the day, it's just a matter of how you choose to respond.
So, here I am on this journey. It's hard. It's crazy. It's not the easy choice or the cool choice. It's not the norm. It's not easy to understand and it's definitely NOT where I expected to find myself but I am here anyway, choosing to explore and discover God's will in my life. Can I share this with you?