"I will give you a new heart"

This year's Lenten season is proving to be most fruitful, I think. And on the heels of my blog about dying to self, I think it is most appropriate to talk about His promise to give us new hearts. (" I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26 ) What a beautiful, wonderful and faithful God He is!!
The last retreat I went on with the Franciscan Sisters (Valentines weekend), I found myself in a fit of nerves (it was my interview weekend). I have always been an anxious person, worried about things I didn't know or have complete confidence in, new things. So, my prayer that weekend was that God would still my thoughts and nerves, that He would just give me peace and silence. I didn't get it. Not then, anyway. I was a bundle of nerves until I left and was convicted immediately after that I had not trusted Him with the result of things. One thing I have been learning is that anxiety is not of God. He has EVERYTHING in hand and under control. These ramblings will make sense if you can bear with me enough to get thru them. :)
Okay, so I get home from retreat and I am sad to leave and missing all of the Sisters and feeling sorry for myself. I was feeling very alone in my vocation ( which, of course, is silly) and that I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. How easy it is to get invited to pity parties! Don't ever go to one! They're nowhere near as fun as a real party! :)
Anyway, that lasted for about a week when I realized that I was NOT lonely after all! God was simply granting my request for silence and solitude! This was now a couple of days into Lent and I had started this blog (which has been an amazing source for reflection) and had also started praying the Liturgy of the Hours everyday as well (I am falling in love with this type of prayer, strangely enough. It has made me feel so connected with the Sisters and others who pray it because I think of them all and pray for them every time I say it. It has been such a huge comfort! What a gift!!). So, anyway, I start realizing that all this time I had to myself was actually another gift! An opportunity to dive in to time with Jesus and not be distracted. And it has been BEAUTIFUL!! I kept feeling this invitation to join Him in the silence of the desert, picturing myself there with Him, feeling the vast emptiness there but not feeling alone for I was there with Him, just talking and being. Seriously, HE IS SO FAITHFUL!!! It's overwhelming sometimes!!
So now, the point of this particular blog. :) The last few blogs have mentioned feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty, and death to self. All those can be wrapped up in this promise for a new heart. I have seen over the past few weeks, months, years, that God is transforming my heart bit by bit! He is taking what is old and unsure, broken, tarnished, inadequate, you name it! He is taking all of that into account and, slowly but surely, making it into what He wants it to be. I worry sometimes about being good enough and desperately wanting to be holy. Here, I refer to 1 Thessalonians 5:23. "May GOD make you perfect in HIS HOLINESS...!" I CANNOT MAKE ME PERFECT!! Only God can do that. It has been yet another comfort to let go of what I think are imperfections in the realization that God can and will use those and make of them what He wants. He's got a ton of work, but hey, I will let Him worry about it. :)
Morbid though it may seem, I imagine myself as a heart patient. My heart is not completely up to the task, needs mending. I am learning to die (to self, of course) and in the meantime, I am waiting. I am waiting for God to give me a new heart. And He will! "A pure heart create for me, O God, put a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51