It's amazing to me how easy it is and how quickly I get caught up in this life around me. What I mean is that it is so easy to forget these encounters with God and one day you wake up and you are right back into the old routine of things. Even though that has happened so many times, I feel like this time is different.
The past few weeks, I have been on a spiritual high, a grace overload, really just being overwhelmed by God's goodness and love and faithfulness. He was on my mind every moment of the day and it was beautiful. But here come the days when it gets harder to "check in" with Him. These are the times when my life becomes more important.
However, I can't help but think of memory foam. You know, that bed that when you push on it, it doesn't spring back up? It forms to your body. "If, in your sleep, you roll over from one side to the other the foam will remold to your new body position. " (Got that from the website to prove my point.) As I go through life and this process of application, I am reminded and certain that these encounters with God are never forgotten. The places I have been, the graces I have received, the love I have felt - those experiences are branded on my heart and mind. I may "toss and turn" and move "side to side" but He molds to my "new position." God remembers even when I don't. And I believe it is on our nature to long for Him, yearn for Him. That's how we were created.
So, all these times when I forget Him or get caught up in other things, a part of me still remembers what it was like to feel God and a part of me longs for that, for Him! I think that is a gift, a blessing, a choice we all receive. It's what causes us to seek, to reevaluate, to change, to strive more and push harder. Because we remember! Our hearts are like memory foam, get it!?
When I began this process of discernment, it was really really hard. It IS really hard. But when I talk to other women who are also discerning and see the challenges they face while in this process, I realize I am completely blessed. Most of my friends and family have been nothing but supportive, even if they don't understand. It's the hardest thing in the world to tell the people you love that you are going to do something that is so misunderstood. But when I look back on the past 3-4 yrs (that's how long this has been in my heart), I see that the hardest part in this whole thing was my refusal! I fought so hard because I didn't want to give up my stuff, my free time, my ideas of family, my life! How silly. Stuff is stuff. My ideas of family have changed and I am, by no means, losing my life. I stand to gain everything!
Now, I said that, even though I am settling back in to my routine and it's getting harder to remain aware of God's presence, I felt this time was different. Let me explain, tie this all together. My heart is at peace right now for the first time in a long time. I have fought this and refused it and made myself miserable. As soon as I was able to allow God to work and allowed myself to respond, I was at peace. It is a hard thing, yes, to be misunderstood and to do the uncommon thing. I know some people are waiting for me to change my mind, realize this isn't what I really want. But my heart is like memory foam! I remember at different times in my life how it has felt to love God and be loved by Him. I remember how it felt and still feels to be pursued by Him. I remember how my heart has always longed for Him more than anything else, even when my mind has forgotten. And I certainly can't forget how at rest I feel in this decision. So, as I look down the road, I see challenges and hard times but I also envision joy and peace. I will be the first to say that I am not 100 % certain where I will end up but who is? I am certain at this moment, though, that I am moving in the right direction even though that's sometimes easy to forget.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Friday, February 26, 2010
"I will give you a new heart"
This year's Lenten season is proving to be most fruitful, I think. And on the heels of my blog about dying to self, I think it is most appropriate to talk about His promise to give us new hearts. (" I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26 ) What a beautiful, wonderful and faithful God He is!!
The last retreat I went on with the Franciscan Sisters (Valentines weekend), I found myself in a fit of nerves (it was my interview weekend). I have always been an anxious person, worried about things I didn't know or have complete confidence in, new things. So, my prayer that weekend was that God would still my thoughts and nerves, that He would just give me peace and silence. I didn't get it. Not then, anyway. I was a bundle of nerves until I left and was convicted immediately after that I had not trusted Him with the result of things. One thing I have been learning is that anxiety is not of God. He has EVERYTHING in hand and under control. These ramblings will make sense if you can bear with me enough to get thru them. :)
Okay, so I get home from retreat and I am sad to leave and missing all of the Sisters and feeling sorry for myself. I was feeling very alone in my vocation ( which, of course, is silly) and that I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. How easy it is to get invited to pity parties! Don't ever go to one! They're nowhere near as fun as a real party! :)
Anyway, that lasted for about a week when I realized that I was NOT lonely after all! God was simply granting my request for silence and solitude! This was now a couple of days into Lent and I had started this blog (which has been an amazing source for reflection) and had also started praying the Liturgy of the Hours everyday as well (I am falling in love with this type of prayer, strangely enough. It has made me feel so connected with the Sisters and others who pray it because I think of them all and pray for them every time I say it. It has been such a huge comfort! What a gift!!). So, anyway, I start realizing that all this time I had to myself was actually another gift! An opportunity to dive in to time with Jesus and not be distracted. And it has been BEAUTIFUL!! I kept feeling this invitation to join Him in the silence of the desert, picturing myself there with Him, feeling the vast emptiness there but not feeling alone for I was there with Him, just talking and being. Seriously, HE IS SO FAITHFUL!!! It's overwhelming sometimes!!
So now, the point of this particular blog. :) The last few blogs have mentioned feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty, and death to self. All those can be wrapped up in this promise for a new heart. I have seen over the past few weeks, months, years, that God is transforming my heart bit by bit! He is taking what is old and unsure, broken, tarnished, inadequate, you name it! He is taking all of that into account and, slowly but surely, making it into what He wants it to be. I worry sometimes about being good enough and desperately wanting to be holy. Here, I refer to 1 Thessalonians 5:23. "May GOD make you perfect in HIS HOLINESS...!" I CANNOT MAKE ME PERFECT!! Only God can do that. It has been yet another comfort to let go of what I think are imperfections in the realization that God can and will use those and make of them what He wants. He's got a ton of work, but hey, I will let Him worry about it. :)
Morbid though it may seem, I imagine myself as a heart patient. My heart is not completely up to the task, needs mending. I am learning to die (to self, of course) and in the meantime, I am waiting. I am waiting for God to give me a new heart. And He will! "A pure heart create for me, O God, put a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51
The last retreat I went on with the Franciscan Sisters (Valentines weekend), I found myself in a fit of nerves (it was my interview weekend). I have always been an anxious person, worried about things I didn't know or have complete confidence in, new things. So, my prayer that weekend was that God would still my thoughts and nerves, that He would just give me peace and silence. I didn't get it. Not then, anyway. I was a bundle of nerves until I left and was convicted immediately after that I had not trusted Him with the result of things. One thing I have been learning is that anxiety is not of God. He has EVERYTHING in hand and under control. These ramblings will make sense if you can bear with me enough to get thru them. :)
Okay, so I get home from retreat and I am sad to leave and missing all of the Sisters and feeling sorry for myself. I was feeling very alone in my vocation ( which, of course, is silly) and that I didn't really have anyone to talk to about it. How easy it is to get invited to pity parties! Don't ever go to one! They're nowhere near as fun as a real party! :)
Anyway, that lasted for about a week when I realized that I was NOT lonely after all! God was simply granting my request for silence and solitude! This was now a couple of days into Lent and I had started this blog (which has been an amazing source for reflection) and had also started praying the Liturgy of the Hours everyday as well (I am falling in love with this type of prayer, strangely enough. It has made me feel so connected with the Sisters and others who pray it because I think of them all and pray for them every time I say it. It has been such a huge comfort! What a gift!!). So, anyway, I start realizing that all this time I had to myself was actually another gift! An opportunity to dive in to time with Jesus and not be distracted. And it has been BEAUTIFUL!! I kept feeling this invitation to join Him in the silence of the desert, picturing myself there with Him, feeling the vast emptiness there but not feeling alone for I was there with Him, just talking and being. Seriously, HE IS SO FAITHFUL!!! It's overwhelming sometimes!!
So now, the point of this particular blog. :) The last few blogs have mentioned feelings of inadequacy, uncertainty, and death to self. All those can be wrapped up in this promise for a new heart. I have seen over the past few weeks, months, years, that God is transforming my heart bit by bit! He is taking what is old and unsure, broken, tarnished, inadequate, you name it! He is taking all of that into account and, slowly but surely, making it into what He wants it to be. I worry sometimes about being good enough and desperately wanting to be holy. Here, I refer to 1 Thessalonians 5:23. "May GOD make you perfect in HIS HOLINESS...!" I CANNOT MAKE ME PERFECT!! Only God can do that. It has been yet another comfort to let go of what I think are imperfections in the realization that God can and will use those and make of them what He wants. He's got a ton of work, but hey, I will let Him worry about it. :)
Morbid though it may seem, I imagine myself as a heart patient. My heart is not completely up to the task, needs mending. I am learning to die (to self, of course) and in the meantime, I am waiting. I am waiting for God to give me a new heart. And He will! "A pure heart create for me, O God, put a steadfast spirit within me." Psalm 51
Monday, February 22, 2010
Brink of Joy!
I am a wanderer. I love to travel, explore, and experience new things. I have often wondered if it was because my family moved around a lot, because I got "the fever" while in Girl Scouts where we made a huge trip every year, or if it was just "built in." For years, my friends and family have wondered what I was doing next, where I was going, what my plans were, and when I was going to settle down. I have been saddened and angry at times that people were so overly concerned that I had such a wandering heart and mind. I never thought I was doing too much or showing to little stability. I just wanted to experience things! Overall, I have been content to let people think I was ungrounded.
In retrospect, there was much more to it. I have been searching. All this time, I have been seeking out God and what He had in store for me. Much of the time, I was even unaware that I was looking for something in particular. In college, I left because I was unsatisfied with the path I had chosen. I moved to Iowa, went to school there and only stayed 2 years because I still hadn't found "it." After I graduated college, I went on NET, desperate to be in touch with my faith and living it out. I moved to Hawaii to do more youth ministry because that was also an opportunity to experience Christ, be closer to Him, practice my faith, be an example. When I came back from Hawaii, I was not sure what I was supposed to be doing (at that point, a vocation to religious life was strongly on my mind and in my heart). As much as it may have seemed to the people around me that I was aimless and undecided, I wandered with purpose! I have been on a mission, friends! It has been a massive scavenger hunt, so to speak! At every location, I have been picking up clues and tools to make the next move. I have become wiser and more aware of what I was looking for (and what I was not) with every new experience.
I touch on all of this because it brings me to the present. And just maybe it will help some understand this choice I have made. I think it's safe to say that many of us will go part of life, if not all, without really discovering what it is that makes us truly joyous. Most of us are satisfied with life and even happy. We get good jobs, we have families and friends and kids. And all of these things are wonderful and beautiful! And for many, this is what completes us, these things. I am a firm believer that God has a definite plan for each of us, a plan that will bring us to the most joy possible here on earth, joy that is found when we become who He created us to be!
There is a difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is based on circumstances or good fortune. Joy comes from deep within. It is based on emotional well-being. It overwhelms. " Happiness may warm us, but it is joy that creates the fierce heat of emotion that takes our breath away." I have heard it said the opposite of joy is fear. If you are fearful, there can not be true joy. Similarly, there is no fear in love! Love and joy are closely linked.
I say all of this, friends, because I feel that I am on the brink of joy! I feel as though God is pursuing my heart, leading me so boldly and asking me to give my life to Him completely. It is hard. I am afraid. I am unsure. But, if this is, in fact, what He is asking of me, I would be a fool to refuse. I would be missing out on the greatest of loves and, therefore, true joy! And I want to be overwhelmed with love and joy and truth and all things beautiful, things only HE can give!!
I could be wrong. This could not be my vocation. But if I seek Him, He will not deny me not matter where I end up. If we seek Him in all things, joy awaits! I believe this. And I believe that He has waited a long time to give this to me.
In retrospect, there was much more to it. I have been searching. All this time, I have been seeking out God and what He had in store for me. Much of the time, I was even unaware that I was looking for something in particular. In college, I left because I was unsatisfied with the path I had chosen. I moved to Iowa, went to school there and only stayed 2 years because I still hadn't found "it." After I graduated college, I went on NET, desperate to be in touch with my faith and living it out. I moved to Hawaii to do more youth ministry because that was also an opportunity to experience Christ, be closer to Him, practice my faith, be an example. When I came back from Hawaii, I was not sure what I was supposed to be doing (at that point, a vocation to religious life was strongly on my mind and in my heart). As much as it may have seemed to the people around me that I was aimless and undecided, I wandered with purpose! I have been on a mission, friends! It has been a massive scavenger hunt, so to speak! At every location, I have been picking up clues and tools to make the next move. I have become wiser and more aware of what I was looking for (and what I was not) with every new experience.
I touch on all of this because it brings me to the present. And just maybe it will help some understand this choice I have made. I think it's safe to say that many of us will go part of life, if not all, without really discovering what it is that makes us truly joyous. Most of us are satisfied with life and even happy. We get good jobs, we have families and friends and kids. And all of these things are wonderful and beautiful! And for many, this is what completes us, these things. I am a firm believer that God has a definite plan for each of us, a plan that will bring us to the most joy possible here on earth, joy that is found when we become who He created us to be!
There is a difference between joy and happiness. Happiness is based on circumstances or good fortune. Joy comes from deep within. It is based on emotional well-being. It overwhelms. " Happiness may warm us, but it is joy that creates the fierce heat of emotion that takes our breath away." I have heard it said the opposite of joy is fear. If you are fearful, there can not be true joy. Similarly, there is no fear in love! Love and joy are closely linked.
I say all of this, friends, because I feel that I am on the brink of joy! I feel as though God is pursuing my heart, leading me so boldly and asking me to give my life to Him completely. It is hard. I am afraid. I am unsure. But, if this is, in fact, what He is asking of me, I would be a fool to refuse. I would be missing out on the greatest of loves and, therefore, true joy! And I want to be overwhelmed with love and joy and truth and all things beautiful, things only HE can give!!
I could be wrong. This could not be my vocation. But if I seek Him, He will not deny me not matter where I end up. If we seek Him in all things, joy awaits! I believe this. And I believe that He has waited a long time to give this to me.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Diets, Denial and the death of selfish wants...
I lost 6 pounds today! I started a weight loss challenge on January 17th, 2010. So far so good!! This is the first time I have ever been motivated to make changes in my diet and eating habits. As I am on this new weight loss journey, I have noticed that it parallels quite nicely with what I am learning this Lenten season.
First of all, I am NOT on a diet. A diet implies temporary. I am giving an honest attempt at a lifestyle change as far as eating goes. I started this because I was concerned about my health. I had been feeling sluggish and, well, not up to par lately and thought I might be able to gain some sense of renewal if I lost some weight.
As I shed the pounds, I notice small but rewarding changes with every little bit! I can't help but compare this experience with Lent. I feel as though they go hand in hand! Lent is a time to step back and cultivate the spiritual discipline of making personal sacrifices, reminding us of the importance of spiritual truths over earthly goods. It's a good time to think about the blessings we have and about the frivolous things we tend to hold onto, a time to give up something we enjoy as a reminder of the true meaning of Jesus’ sacrifice. Lent is a also season of soul-searching, reflection and taking stock.
Backing up slightly, here are some truths about dieting. First of all, they don't work. Secondly, they can lead to binge eating or falling back into old habits worse than before. A diet is about the temporary fix, whether we think so or not. On many diets, you are not eating the way you will eat for the rest of your life. You eat foods you may not like very much and don't find satisfying. They are the quickest way to a certain result but cannot be maintained. Among other things, diets can make you feel tired, break down confidence and self-esteem (when a diet fails, you feel like the failure-not the diet), and put your life on hold.
I think my main point here is that this is all temporary! We constantly strive for things that are unsatisfying and unhealthy, sometimes without realizing it! We are not meant to live this way. During Lent, we are called to practice discipline, look at life choices, dispense with the unnecessary, and reflect on growing in love appreciation for our Lord and His sacrifice. We are challenged to give up those things that would come between us and God and to incorporate more healthy elements into our 'spiritual diet." If we slowly add these things into our life, we are more easily able to maintain them! We are called to make a LIFE STYLE change!!
In reflecting on the 10th Station of the Cross (Jesus is stripped), I am convicted that this is a direct call for each of us to also be stripped. Jesus was humiliated in front of crowds of people. Out of love, He was the perfect example of dying to self. He calls us to be bared before Him, bringing all of our insecurities, imperfections, disappointments, embarrassments, joys, EVERYTHING! Surrender it all back to Him.
Let us not confuse surrender with weakness! It takes the greatest strength to give up what you love, what you are attached to. It takes discipline and commitment to let go! But all of this is good for you! It's HEALTHY! Lent is a time of self-denial. Denial has a negative connotation but it is through denial and death to self that we leave room for growth and something new and positive to enter in. We give ourselves room for more substantial and satisfying things and leave room for God to work. And as with weight loss, every little bit that we lose or give up becomes more of a reward and feels so much better! Every little bit we are able to give up or get rid of is motivation to continue on the path towards self discovery and understanding of what God has in store for us!
First of all, I am NOT on a diet. A diet implies temporary. I am giving an honest attempt at a lifestyle change as far as eating goes. I started this because I was concerned about my health. I had been feeling sluggish and, well, not up to par lately and thought I might be able to gain some sense of renewal if I lost some weight.
As I shed the pounds, I notice small but rewarding changes with every little bit! I can't help but compare this experience with Lent. I feel as though they go hand in hand! Lent is a time to step back and cultivate the spiritual discipline of making personal sacrifices, reminding us of the importance of spiritual truths over earthly goods. It's a good time to think about the blessings we have and about the frivolous things we tend to hold onto, a time to give up something we enjoy as a reminder of the true meaning of Jesus’ sacrifice. Lent is a also season of soul-searching, reflection and taking stock.
Backing up slightly, here are some truths about dieting. First of all, they don't work. Secondly, they can lead to binge eating or falling back into old habits worse than before. A diet is about the temporary fix, whether we think so or not. On many diets, you are not eating the way you will eat for the rest of your life. You eat foods you may not like very much and don't find satisfying. They are the quickest way to a certain result but cannot be maintained. Among other things, diets can make you feel tired, break down confidence and self-esteem (when a diet fails, you feel like the failure-not the diet), and put your life on hold.
I think my main point here is that this is all temporary! We constantly strive for things that are unsatisfying and unhealthy, sometimes without realizing it! We are not meant to live this way. During Lent, we are called to practice discipline, look at life choices, dispense with the unnecessary, and reflect on growing in love appreciation for our Lord and His sacrifice. We are challenged to give up those things that would come between us and God and to incorporate more healthy elements into our 'spiritual diet." If we slowly add these things into our life, we are more easily able to maintain them! We are called to make a LIFE STYLE change!!
In reflecting on the 10th Station of the Cross (Jesus is stripped), I am convicted that this is a direct call for each of us to also be stripped. Jesus was humiliated in front of crowds of people. Out of love, He was the perfect example of dying to self. He calls us to be bared before Him, bringing all of our insecurities, imperfections, disappointments, embarrassments, joys, EVERYTHING! Surrender it all back to Him.
Let us not confuse surrender with weakness! It takes the greatest strength to give up what you love, what you are attached to. It takes discipline and commitment to let go! But all of this is good for you! It's HEALTHY! Lent is a time of self-denial. Denial has a negative connotation but it is through denial and death to self that we leave room for growth and something new and positive to enter in. We give ourselves room for more substantial and satisfying things and leave room for God to work. And as with weight loss, every little bit that we lose or give up becomes more of a reward and feels so much better! Every little bit we are able to give up or get rid of is motivation to continue on the path towards self discovery and understanding of what God has in store for us!
Friday, February 19, 2010
1 Thessalonians 5:23
I am lonely in my musings these days. A huge well of thoughts is springing up in my brain. I have so much I want to write about! I think it comes with the freedom of knowing I don't expect anyone to read this and I am just writing it for myself.
I read the other day 1 Thessalonians 5:23. " May the God who brings you peace make you holy in every way. ..."
When I first started discerning this vocation, or even thinking about it at all, I completely discredited myself because of lack of holiness. I say to myself, " I could never do that. I am not holy or even a great person, necessarily. How could God want me for that!? It would take a lot of work for Him to transform me!"
I am being reminded every day now that God created me. He loves me. He knows exactly who I am and has no false illusions of me. And He is the one calling me. Thus, why would I need to change everything about myself in order to do what He asks? When I seek transformation, it should not be of my personality but of my mind and heart. It should be a renewing of my love and dedication to Him and only Him. He has made me and, therefore, He will continue to make me as HE wants. ONLY HE CAN MAKE ME HOLY! I do not have the power to make me holy or perfect. So, I will leave the job to Him.
I read from some wisdom of the saints that "the want to want God" is enough for Him. He can use that. He can make of your desire anything He wishes. And I really do desire Him. Whether I end up married or as a religious, I want Him. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with how much I "want to want" Him. And then I am overwhelmed with how inadequate that seems.
"Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail,but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. " Psalm 73:25-26
I read the other day 1 Thessalonians 5:23. " May the God who brings you peace make you holy in every way. ..."
When I first started discerning this vocation, or even thinking about it at all, I completely discredited myself because of lack of holiness. I say to myself, " I could never do that. I am not holy or even a great person, necessarily. How could God want me for that!? It would take a lot of work for Him to transform me!"
I am being reminded every day now that God created me. He loves me. He knows exactly who I am and has no false illusions of me. And He is the one calling me. Thus, why would I need to change everything about myself in order to do what He asks? When I seek transformation, it should not be of my personality but of my mind and heart. It should be a renewing of my love and dedication to Him and only Him. He has made me and, therefore, He will continue to make me as HE wants. ONLY HE CAN MAKE ME HOLY! I do not have the power to make me holy or perfect. So, I will leave the job to Him.
I read from some wisdom of the saints that "the want to want God" is enough for Him. He can use that. He can make of your desire anything He wishes. And I really do desire Him. Whether I end up married or as a religious, I want Him. Sometimes I am overwhelmed with how much I "want to want" Him. And then I am overwhelmed with how inadequate that seems.
"Whom have I in heaven but You? And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. My flesh and my heart may fail,but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. " Psalm 73:25-26
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Beginnings
I am not really sure how to start a blog. I think, as I begin this, I must consider why I am writing one and who I want to read it. As to who I think will read it, no one at this point. And that's okay. I am mostly writing for myself. It's a journal of sorts, yes?
I think it must be that the first time you write in a blog is the hardest. I mean , where do you even start?! I guess that brings me back to the reason I am writing. I have thoughts. That's why! :) I am discovering myself right now and learning what it is that God has in store for me. In my life, that is profound!
I have realized that as I am going through these new changes and discoveries, I want the important people in my life to understand me and to experience this with me. I want to share all that I am learning and hearing and feeling with friends and family. And depending on where these people are in their lives, they may or may not want to join in. And that is okay because, in the meantime, I am writing it here.
This blog comes from a recent discovery that I may have a vocation to the religious life. Yes, it means I am thinking of becoming a nun, for all you who need to double check! When I think back, I am aware that I have always wanted to please God. I have always wanted to do what HE wanted for me. And as easy as it is to just "fit in," I have always, in my heart of hearts, desired Him.
I know my friends would say I am a good person in general but I am fairly certain they have not really known the depth of my desire for Christ. Granted, it has grown much in these past few years. It saddens me that I may not have been an example of what I truly believe and think and feel. It means I have not spoken aloud who I really am inside. So when I tell people that I am discerning a vocation and they are surprised or doubtful, does it mean I have failed somewhere? Possibly. But I think this may be okay. I am just a normal person who has tried, like everyone else, to fit in and be with the crowd. I have struggled, like everyone else, to be real and honest. At the end of the day, it's just a matter of how you choose to respond.
So, here I am on this journey. It's hard. It's crazy. It's not the easy choice or the cool choice. It's not the norm. It's not easy to understand and it's definitely NOT where I expected to find myself but I am here anyway, choosing to explore and discover God's will in my life. Can I share this with you?
I think it must be that the first time you write in a blog is the hardest. I mean , where do you even start?! I guess that brings me back to the reason I am writing. I have thoughts. That's why! :) I am discovering myself right now and learning what it is that God has in store for me. In my life, that is profound!
I have realized that as I am going through these new changes and discoveries, I want the important people in my life to understand me and to experience this with me. I want to share all that I am learning and hearing and feeling with friends and family. And depending on where these people are in their lives, they may or may not want to join in. And that is okay because, in the meantime, I am writing it here.
This blog comes from a recent discovery that I may have a vocation to the religious life. Yes, it means I am thinking of becoming a nun, for all you who need to double check! When I think back, I am aware that I have always wanted to please God. I have always wanted to do what HE wanted for me. And as easy as it is to just "fit in," I have always, in my heart of hearts, desired Him.
I know my friends would say I am a good person in general but I am fairly certain they have not really known the depth of my desire for Christ. Granted, it has grown much in these past few years. It saddens me that I may not have been an example of what I truly believe and think and feel. It means I have not spoken aloud who I really am inside. So when I tell people that I am discerning a vocation and they are surprised or doubtful, does it mean I have failed somewhere? Possibly. But I think this may be okay. I am just a normal person who has tried, like everyone else, to fit in and be with the crowd. I have struggled, like everyone else, to be real and honest. At the end of the day, it's just a matter of how you choose to respond.
So, here I am on this journey. It's hard. It's crazy. It's not the easy choice or the cool choice. It's not the norm. It's not easy to understand and it's definitely NOT where I expected to find myself but I am here anyway, choosing to explore and discover God's will in my life. Can I share this with you?
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